Dear Maybelline

Dear Maybelline;

When I saw you today, I still had a lot of things that I wasn’t done thinking about. I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to say to you. I ran away because I thought that maybe you didn’t see me yet and if you did you would think I was someone else because you’d probably never expect me to run away like that. I guess you saw me pretty good, though, because after I was running you called out my name. I didn’t know whether I should stop or keep running, but I was already running and I still didn’t know what to say, so I kept running. But then you were running after me, and I’m not like you, Maybelline, when I’m being hard to get I aim not to be got, so that's why I started running harder.
About hiding and knocking over the big stack of chickens in crates on you when you came by, I’m very sorry. I hope you’re not hurt too bad. I just saw that in a movie one time and I did it mostly without thinking. I don’t know if you could tell from under there, but I didn’t laugh very long at all. I really do hope you’re okay, I didn’t mean to be mean, I just had a really bad day.

After you were crushed, I kept running for a few blocks and then hailed a cab and came here. I’m in Diamond Joe’s. Remember Diamond Joe’s? We were here the first day we met. We were here, in the booth in the back corner (I’m in that booth now), the first time you let me stick my tongue in your ear. Remember that, Maybelline? I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. Things just aren’t like they were, are they? I guess I’ve know for a while that we were in trouble. It’s been a long time since you made me a smiling pancake man for breakfast, and you don’t scrub those hard water deposits on the shower door as hard as you used to. It’s been so long since we watched a porn together, I don’t even remember what it was like.

I just sort of ignored all those subtle warnings, hoping maybe the problem would go away. But last night when you came home with your new boyfriend, I knew I have to start trying a little harder myself before we drift apart. So here goes;

  • From now on you can buy all your own underwear.
  • I promise not to call you by your father’s name when we have sex.
  • I’m going to start spending more money on you and less on my collection of Hello Kitty memorabilia. I’ll take you to a nice dinner twice a week, Arby’s on Tuesdays and Denny’s on Thursdays. Can you start clipping coupons?
  • If you want to get a job, that’s fine, just come home for your breaks, lunches, and trips to the bathroom.
  • I’ll start trimming my own toenails and nosehair.
  • I promise not to wake you up by sticking my dick in your mouth any more

Is that enough for you Maybelline? That’s all you’re getting, I tell you that you jealous domineering psycho bitch!

            Fondly, Gus

dec 2002

Letters from Underground